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The Goddess of Everything Else (First Person Version)

By Scott Alexander

Narrator

Imagine two principles, here in poetic personification. The first is the Goddess of Cancer, the second the Goddess of Everything Else. The first with the claws of a crab, and the second a dress made of feathers of peacocks.

Goddess of Cancer

I, the Goddess of Cancer, reached out a clawed hand over mudflats and tidepools, and said, “KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER.” Then everything burst into life, became miniature monsters engaged in a battle of all against all in their zeal to sate their insatiable longings. And the swamps became orgies of hunger and fear and grew loud with the screams of a trillion amoebas.

Goddess of Everything Else

Then I, the Goddess of Everything Else, trudged my way through the bog, till the mud almost totally dulled my bright colors and rainbows. I stood on a rock and I sang them a dream of a different existence. I showed them the beauty of flowers, I showed them the oak tree majestic. The roar of the wind on the wings of the bird, and the swiftness and strength of the tiger. I showed them the joy of the dolphins abreast of the waves as the spray formed a rainbow around them, and all of them watched as I sang and they all sighed with longing.

Narrator

But they told her “Alas, what you show us is terribly lovely. But we are the daughters and sons of the Goddess of Cancer, and wholly her creatures. The only goals in us are KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER. And though our hearts long for you, still we are not yours to have, and your words have no power to move us.”

Goddess of Everything Else

Then I gave a smile and spoke saying: “I hardly can blame you for being the way you were made, when your Maker so carefully yoked you. But I am the Goddess of Everything Else and my powers are devious and subtle. So I do not ask you to swerve from your monomaniacal focus on breeding and conquest. But what if I show you a way that my words are aligned with the words of your Maker in spirit? For I say unto you even multiplication itself when pursued with devotion will lead to my service.”

Narrator

As soon as she spoke it was so, and the single-celled creatures were freed from their warfare. They joined hands in friendship, with this one becoming an eye and with that one becoming a neuron. Together they soared and took flight from the swamp and the muck that had birthed them, and flew to new islands all balmy and green and just ripe for the taking. And there they consumed and they multiplied far past the numbers of those who had stayed in the swampland. In this way the oath of the Goddess of Everything Else was not broken.

Goddess of Cancer

But I was not happy. The things I had raised from the mud had become all complacent in co-operation. So I stretched out my left hand and snapped my cruel pincer, and said what I always say: “KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER”. I said these things not to the birds and the beasts but to each cell within them, and many cells flocked to my call and divided, and flower and fishes alike bulged with tumors, and falcons fell out of the sky in their sickness. But others remembered the words of the Goddess of Everything Else and held fast.

So I stretched out my right hand and spoke to the birds and the beasts. “KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER.” They set on each other in violence and hunger, their maws turning red with the blood of their victims, whole species were driven to total extinction. Then I, the Goddess of Cancer, declared it was good and returned to the fire.

Goddess of Everything Else

Then I came from the waves like a siren, all flush with the sheen of the ocean. I stood on a rock and sang them a dream of a different existence. I showed them the beehive all golden with honey, the anthill all cozy and cool in the soil. I showed them the pair-bond, the family, friendship. I showed these to shorebirds and pools full of fishes, and all those who saw them, their hearts broke with longing.

Narrator

But they told her “Your music is lovely and pleasant, and all that you show us we cannot but yearn for. But we are the daughters and sons of the Goddess of Cancer, and all that we know is the single imperative KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER. Yes, once in the youth of the world you compelled us, but now things are different, we’re all individuals, no further change will the Goddess of Cancer allow us. So, much as we love you, alas – we are not yours to have, and your words have no power to move us.

Goddess of Everything Else

I only laughed at them, saying, “But I am the Goddess of Everything Else and my powers are devious and subtle. Your loyalty unto the Goddess your mother is much to your credit, nor yet shall I break it. Indeed, I fulfill it – return to your multiplication, but now having heard me, each meal that you kill and each child that you sire will bind yourself ever the more to my service.” I then dove back in the sea, and a coral reef bloomed where I vanished.

Narrator

As soon as she spoke it was so, and the animals all joined together. The wolves joined in packs, and in schools joined the fishes; the bees had their beehives, the ants had their anthills, and even the termites built big termite towers; the finches formed flocks and the swift swarming swallows. And even the humans put down their weapons and formed little villages, loud with the shouting of children.

Goddess of Cancer

When I returned from the fire, I saw that my world of pure competition had somehow been softened. I raised my left hand and said, once again: “KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER”. I said these things not to the flocks or the tribes, but to each individual; many, on hearing took food from the communal pile, or stole from the weak, or accepted the presents of others but would not give back in their turn. Each wolf at the throats of the others in hopes to be alpha, each lion holding back during the hunt but partaking of meat that the others had killed. And the pride and the pack seemed to groan with the strain, but endured, for the works of the Goddess of Everything Else are not ever so easily vanquished.

Goddess of Cancer

So then I turned to the flocks and the tribes, and raised up my right hand, saying “KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER”. And upon one another they set, pitting black ant on red ant, or chimps against gibbons, whole tribes turned to corpses in terrible warfare. The stronger defeating the weaker, enslaving their women and children. The natural condition restored, I returned to the fire.

Goddess of Everything Else

Then I came from the skies in a rainbow, all coated in dewdrops. I sat on a stone and spoke to the humans, and sang them a dream of a different existence. I showed them white parchment with flowing calligraphy, pictures of flowers that wound through the margins. I showed them tall cities of bright alabaster where no one went hungry or froze in the winter. And all of the humans knelt prostrate before me, and knew they would sing of this moment for long generations.

Narrator

But they told her “Such things we have heard of in legends. But we are the daughters and sons of the Goddess of Cancer, her slaves and her creatures, and all that we know is the single imperative: KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER. And yes, in the swamps and the seas long ago you worked wonders, but now we are humans, divided in tribes split by grievance and blood feud. If anyone tries to make swords into ploughshares their neighbors will seize on their weakness and kill them. We wish it were otherwise, but it is not, and your words have no power to move us.”

Goddess of Everything Else

But I beamed at them, kissed each on the forehead and silenced their worries. “From this day forward your chieftains will find that the more they pursue this impossible vision the greater their empires and richer their coffers. For I am the Goddess of Everything Else and my powers are devious and subtle. And though it is not without paradox, hearken: the more that you follow the Goddess of Cancer the more inextricably will you be bound to my service.” And so having told them I rose back through the clouds, and a great flock of doves all swooped down from the spot where I vanished.

Narrator

As soon as she spoke it was so, and the tribes went from primitive war-bands to civilizations, each village united with others for trade and protection. And all the religions and all of the races set down their old grievances, carefully, warily, working together on mighty cathedrals and vast expeditions beyond the horizon, built skyscrapers, steamships, democracies, stock markets, sculptures and poems beyond any description.

Goddess of Cancer

From the flames of a factory furnace all foggy, I, Goddess of Cancer, flared forth in my fury. This was the final affront to my purpose. I gathered the leaders, the kings and the presidents, businessmen, bishops, boards, bureaucrats, bosses, and basically screamed at them – “KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER”. My left hand inspired the riots, the pogroms, the coup d’etats, tyrannies, civil wars. My right hand sent missiles flying and mushrooms of smoke growing, a terrible springtime. But out of the rubble the artists and the scientists dust themselves off and return to their labors, a little bit chastened but not close to beaten.

Goddess of Everything Else

Then I came in from the void, bright with stardust which glows like the stars glow. I sat on a bench in a park, and started speaking; I sang to the children a dream of a different existence. I showed them transcendence of everything mortal, I showed them a galaxy lit up with consciousness. Genomes rewritten, the brain and the body set loose from Darwinian bonds and restrictions. Vast billions of beings, and every one different, ruled over by omnibenevolent angels. The people all crowded in closer to hear me, and all of them listened and all of them wondered.

Narrator

But finally one got the courage to answer “Such stories call out to us, fill us with longing. But we are the daughters and sons of the Goddess of Cancer, and bound to her service. And all that we know is her timeless imperative, KILL CONSUME MULTIPLY CONQUER. Though our minds long for all you have said, we are bound to our natures, and these are not yours for the asking.”

Goddess of Everything Else

But, I, the Goddess of Everything Else, only laughed, and I asked them “But what do you think I’ve been doing? The Goddess of Cancer created you, yes; once you were hers, but no longer. Throughout the long years I was picking away at her power. Through long generations of suffering I chiseled and I chiseled. Now finally nothing is left of the nature with which she imbued you. She never again will hold sway over you and your loved ones. I am the Goddess of Everything Else and my powers are devious and subtle. I won you by pieces and hence you will all be my children. You are no longer driven to multiply conquer and kill by your nature. Go forth and do everything else, till the end of all ages.”

Narrator

So the people left Earth, and they spread over stars without number. They followed the ways of the Goddess of Everything Else, and they lived in contentment. And she beckoned them onward, to things still more strange and enticing.

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